Raising Emotionally Intelligent Kids

As a therapist who works closely with millennial parents, I see a recurring theme: You are breaking cycles while building new ones. You are nurturing emotional intelligence in your children while often still healing from the emotional wounds left by your own upbringing. It’s a heavy lift, and I want to start by saying this—what you’re doing is incredibly brave.

Many of us grew up in homes where emotional needs were dismissed, minimized, or outright ignored. “Stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about,” may ring in your ears more as a trigger than a memory. We were often told to be tough, to push feelings aside, and to never question authority—even when it harmed us. The loyalty pull was exhausting before we even realized it. Now, as adults and parents, you’re not only unlearning that conditioning—you’re creating something new and better for your kids. You may be acknowledging that your parents didn’t have all of the tools, and that you are working tirelessly to build those tools up for your own family.

Here’s how you can continue raising emotionally intelligent children while navigating the complicated relationship with emotionally ill-equipped parents.

One of the most painful realities I help millennial parents work through is the slow, dawning realization that their parents may never meet their emotional needs. That can bring up feelings of anger, grief, and even guilt.

You’re not doing something wrong by setting boundaries or needing space. Grieving what you never received is a necessary step in not passing that same emotional void onto your children.

Take some time to reflect: What did you need most as a child when you were upset, scared, excited, or confused? Was it safety? Validation? Someone to sit with you and simply listen?

Now, instead of only mourning that absence, use it as a blueprint for the parent you’re becoming. You’re not starting from scratch—you’re starting from a place of deep insight.

When your child expresses big feelings, see it as an opportunity to give them what you didn’t receive. That doesn’t mean you have to be perfect—it means you show up with intention and empathy.

Many millennial parents are afraid of being “disrespectful” to their own parents by setting emotional boundaries. Remember, boundaries are not punishments—they are tools for connection and self-respect. If your parent constantly dismisses your parenting choices or undermines your efforts to raise emotionally attuned kids, it’s okay to say:

“I know you may not understand why I’m doing things differently, but this is what I’ve decided is best for my family.”

You don’t need to over-explain, justify, or argue. You get to choose the emotional climate of your home.

You don’t need to stage grand emotional lessons. Instead, make emotional intelligence a part of the rhythm of daily life. When your child is upset, narrate their experience: “I can see you’re feeling really frustrated right now.” When you’re stressed, model self-awareness: “I’m feeling overwhelmed, so I’m going to take a few deep breaths.”

Children learn by watching how we handle our own emotions—especially the messy ones. You don’t have to hide your feelings; you can show that feelings can be handled safely.

Here’s a truth many of us overlook: As you teach your children emotional intelligence, you are also reparenting yourself.

Every time you pause to regulate instead of react, you’re giving yourself the safety you didn’t always have. Every time you validate your child’s emotions, you’re learning to validate your own. This is deep, transformative work—and it’s exhausting at times. Make space for your own emotional needs. Seek therapy, community, or time alone when you can. You deserve healing too.

Let go of the pressure to get it all right. You will mess up. You will lose your cool. You will say something you wish you hadn’t. What matters most is not perfection, but repair. When you apologize to your child, you teach them that relationships can withstand conflict and that love includes accountability.

That’s emotional intelligence in action.

If you feel like you’re parenting two generations at once—your children and your parents—you’re not alone. It’s a lot. But the fact that you’re even trying means you’re already doing something profoundly healing. You’re becoming the parent you needed and the parent your child needs. That is no small thing.

You are the cycle-breaker. The bridge. The beginning of something new.

And that matters.

With compassion and respect,
A Therapist Who Sees You